i guess you can say i need to get this off my chest lately ive been feeling bad for the past week and like.. i feel like i'm holding someone back =X yes.. my own boyfriend.. -sighs..- i noticed when we're really busy we dont talk to each other alot.. :[ i'm still surprised that we're still together heh.. i really thought he'd let go of me >__<.. no really cause i was either quiet, nontalkative, rude, mean, and get too upset way to easily.. =T..

idk.. but he seems like he's doing fine with college and everything else.. today we're both not scared to open up to others about our relationship lol just a week ago he added me in relationship on facebook haha dork.. and ALL his friends were like WOAHH lol... i guess he hasnt been opened out that much XD.. anyways.. somedays when we hang out its pretty much the same thing but then again i always get  like.. too upset :[ i dont mean too.. its just the little things he says that makes me like BLAHHHHHH ahah and yet he's always calling himself a jerk heh.

he really does take care of me.. yesturday when i went to the DC with him and his friends we were eating, i got up to use the bathroom and when i came back he was gone o__O and i was like "where did he go??" and his friends were like "he went to go look for you" LOL ohgoodness he called me back and was likee WHERE aRE YOUU  DID YOU LEAVE? LAWLL xD --no i went to the bathroom [: heh. he chased after me =] lol DORK x]

hahaahaha omg i never realized how he laughed it just made me so happy cause.. i never seen him laugh so hard before XD we were to pin each other down wasnt fair cause he was too strong :[ and he won =o=;;...

i enjoy being with him but if you ask me now if i'm happy its like..

so after today i feel kinda awkward..

having janelle talking to anthony.. i know he wanted to hang out with his friends and i kinda felt that it was partly my fault for not saying anything earlier to him.. i really thought he wasnt gonna do anything today..

I'm pretty upset that i can't make him happy :/ -shurgs..-

she was talking to him about.. if he really wanted to be with me..

i'm way to good for him? heh.. I dont know anymore I really don't

i know he's not the type of person who really shows his feelings and sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable =T cause..It really doesnt feel like he's my boyfriend.. no it really doesnt.. im not sure if the title truely makes a difference..

I already felt as if i been with him for a long time already..

he's different from what i thought he would be..

I really was crushing on him seriously for years. but now.. its nothing so surprising than i thought itd be..

i really likelike him i dont love him..

what is love these days? i kinda forgot haha that feeling where you're with the person you want to be with and deep down you dont have to feel stupid around that person and you can talk to them about anything.. for the longest time..

Man the first time i said i love you to someone was with andrew.. its really a feeling a great one and a good one.. the first time.. when someone says that to you.. its the special feeling you have inside..

its awkward saying to my boyfriend now haha.. cause when i first said it i was really nervous.. i said in a text message how lame is that hah...

and the whole boyfriend when i say it, its funny cause its "anthony" roflmao not that theres nothing wrong with that its just.. i wanna know if he's happy..

because to me i think our relationship is kinda.. slow?

i remember when i was younger man.. it felt so good no seriously just that same feeling where you just feel so happy you cant believe it..

hah. its funny cause everytime im angry at anthony he tries to make me happy again.. and he texts me to tell me things to make up for it.. idk im always happy though just the little things he does makes me smile for the rest of the day i cant seem to help it.. i wish i could do that to him just send a text anything at all and he'd be happy about it for the rest of the day.. or at least for that moment.. i guess i just havent asked him yet?

janelle told me i didnt need this.. i didnt need him because i was too good for him.. =[ i cant help the fact that im just a nice person in general >___< but she tells me that to everyone T___T;;......

i want someone who wants to be with me for who i am not just because im nice

someone who doesnt care how i look like, or my personality is like, what college i go to, what i say or do i just want to be perfect in their eyes.. i want them to care how i feel.. i want to wipe away my tears and tell me they want me to be there not because their just saying it..

with anthony its different cause he's never been in this situation before and i cant blame him.. so i was talking to janelle about that earlier..i kinda made her realize what kind of person anthony is and she realized that it takes time and over time the trust will grow.. and when it does than he will know what to do or say later on..

i know i told anthony how i didnt want to get hurt.. its funny how he told me it will sooner or later..

i use to believe everything would be okay.. its hard for me to trust people these days =/ trusting anthony i do..

with him i can do whatever i want to do and he wouldnt judge me for it not at all.. his room mates are really nice and i hope they accepted me already being with anthony.. because i think their really nice and have great personality.. i actually like the fact that anthony have friends like them as room mates because they watch out for him.. and even if we're far i know i can trust him.. i know he cant screw up when he knows what he's doing..

the only reason why i really get upset with him drinking or smoking is because i guess i just want to protect him >__< i know it sounds really lame but i cant help the fact that i worry about him so much.. i know its something i have to overcome too.. so i need to start doing that but he knows when i get upset now so theres no fun in that hah..

but what really hurts is to know the person you want to be with doesnt show anything towards you when you felt as if you given them all that you can..

-shurgs- its not every day a girl feels like she's falling for someone..

saturday night was the best night heh. driving all the way to antioch and davis AND back home wasn't the best part >> XD

LOL ~ duddeee when his sister saw me i was like o__O XD cause she wanted to know who was picking him up :P and she was like "HII!!... i saw.. you.. before..." @__@;; OMGAWD i was hecka freaking out XD!!!!!

but mannn seriously driving about 6 hours in two days =P anyways

so he came over and stayed over (: the whole night he was playing WAR CARFT omgawd.. this boy was crazy LOL! explaining me the game and i'm like o__O??? seriously confused HAHA he really did sounded like a nerd XDD

but over all we watched blockbuster movies and i fell asleep in his arms (:

of course michael woke us up LOL! seriously T__T.. it was like 6am in the morning and next thing me and Loser hear..

"Hey i just made breakfast!" @___@;;;..............

and me and loser are like O_____O;.. heh.. ya good morning to you too lol!

i woke up that morning seeing him there =] made me smile.. cause our heads were together and i just.. kissed him good morning (:

everytime i put my hands on his cheeks their oddly rough =T he needs lotion XD

he woke up kissed me back.. and my hand =]

once he got up i had to get him off the bed ROFL cause i thought my parents went to reno but then i guessed wrong T_________T......... wthell man..? so they were only there for like 3 hours? @__@ seriously shocked me XD i felt bad making him sleep on the ground =T

but then i walked outside and everyone was still sleeping =3 so i came back in the room while michael was back dead asleep again LOL and laid with him til 10 or 11 =]

happiest moment ever :O

haha i sound hecka silly.. man =T

anyways.. i dragged him out of the ground LOL he really didnt want to get up either way =o=;; he really wanted to know what was the surprised lol.. he had a feeling we were gonna go ice skating dork..

drove michael to his gf house and.. to santa rose to take him ice skating but first we went to the muesum of snoopy LOL i didn't even know there was one until loser saw it.

we walked around.. he didnt want to hold my hand.. =T kinda made me upset so i walked alone.. and he was trying to find me in the end.. and he did.. so we walked to the rink

he was trying to pay for EVERYTHING heh.. we unpacked and went skating for the first time for him

it was fun at first than he was being a jerk >>.. so i let him go by himself for his first time he did really good. i almost fell ALOT lol but yeah most part i didnt want to tell him what was upsetting me =T so i tried making it a good day.. got tiring and went to in and out

and ate there talking about the next place we were gonna go to.. lol it was going to be the movies..

but then while i was driving rethought of everything and where i wanted to take him..

so we stopped at the movies but then he was too tired so i took him home

driving on the freeway he saw the park where it had water fountain and lots of birds it was really pretty there..

he felt bad so he held my hand while i was driving and kissed it.. cause he was really tired and he didn't know it'd be a pretty place until i showed him..

i can tell he felt bad the way he held my hand.. he sat there and kissed it lightly saying thank you..

after a couple of minutes he knocked out LOL! omg! i was like DAMNN he mustve been HELLA tired XD lol

i held his hand the whole hour.. while we were in the car.. i didnt let go not even once.. glancing over once in a while when he slept LOL he slept hecka weird XD cute but weird =]

after an hour he woke up cause i guess he ended up coughing >__< kinda scared me D: but then he was okay and tried falling back to sleep he was half asleep until i touched his cheeks.. he grabbed it again and kiss my hand.. LOL i seriously thought he was asleep XD

LOL! dude.. i almost hit a car T_______T man that wasnt funny >>..... i hecka didnt see her coming >__< soorrrry!  its cause michael called me heh.. i felt hecka shfkjfkdfg =S lol........ anywaysssss

i drove him back to davis and he sat in the car for a while and asked him is he had a good day.. i really didnt think he had a good one.. if i wasnt soo mooody =[ cause i said to him.. "what if i said you would have the best weekend everr?" heh.. didnt seem so good >___< i mean it was fun but i felt like i ruined it =[

after i came up to his dorm it was harlious what his friends left him LOL there was boxers on this window LOL! of southpark with kiss marks on it XD and his.. poster of a guy drunk and being drawned on and everything in the picture was funny.. and it said "friendship" LOL!

after that he walked me back to the car and i didnt want to leave.. =S but then he had to do alot of things before school started so yea XD

he kissed me even though we both had funny breath smelly like LOL! and he meant it hahaha it wasnt a short kiss haha.. so that was nice =]

he hugged me real tight.. and we both left

but idk.. i feel like.. i getting use of being with him.. now that i see him alot.. it makes me happy.. kinda.. even though we're not a couple it makes it awkward that i cant be with him.. yet i want to be with him.. -sighs..-

i just wonder if another person likes him and kisses him.. how will he react to it? >___<;;.. i feel.. so much for him.. i keep him close.. cause deep down.. i want to be with him.. being with him.. makes me speical

so speical.. i can smile for days.. even janelle noticed she was like.. dangg yen.. ive never seen you soo happy ?? really though.. i never been so happy like this before since.. a really loongg time..

she's really happy for me.. too..

and i noticed we've been like this for too long.. now.. so long >__< i remembered last oct or nov..07 we were together and we were so close.. than everything else happened.. and happened again heh.

two years.. now and nothing has happened.. maybe i shouldnt be too close? -shurgs-.. idk.. i know he doesn't want to talk about it.. but i want to know whats been on his mind? and why he hasn't said anything yet?

i give him too many hints.. but when he didnt want to hold my hand at the muesum.. it gave me a hint telling me he didn't want to be with me..

but after when i left he kissed me.. =S and it wasnt just a quick one.. it was different one.. like he meant it.. =T

maybe it was a "thanks for the day" kind of thing.. =o=;;.. idk.. idk what to say to him.. like what?

"how come you havent asked me out yet?" or "how come we're not together yet?"

i should ask him.. if someone were to ask me out right at this moment how would he feel?

cause i know that if someone asked him.. id feel like...... shiet.. cause he always tells me everything.. and i always tell him everything...

=/ here i am stuck.. again.. just say something.. anything.. cause.. i feel like.. there probably is someone out there for me.. and some part of me feels like its him.. but he doesn't say anything.. so what can i do or say?

im actually a quiet person at times.. but when it comes down to this..  i tend to get nervous talking to him.. its like getting the butterflies... =X

idk i feel like... he kinda stepped up.. cause he say things.. that makes me.. fall harder.. and everytime he smiles.. its meaningful.. >______<;;.......

lately its been on and off =T

how do you tell someone you miss them when they don't even care about how you feel..

he makes me smile.. even the slightest text message..

i can't seem to manage my feelings for him x/

what does he even think about when he wraps his arms around me..

day after christmas i wanted to say it again heh.. seemed like a good moment but i stopped myself >__<

makes me smile when he said "lets walk in memory lane.." which was his closet haha

everything.. since i was 14 happened in his closet hahaaha when he kissed me on my cheeks (: here i am turning 18.. heh. we treat each other like couples..but we're not.

i was surprised he still had my drawings i sent him..

he changed a bit.. he kisses me back now =] hah... and instead of saying "ill talk to you another day" he says "ill call you tonight or later"

idk what to do

lately i havent been worrying about school LOL it makes me worried that i'm NOT worrying about it >__< i guess when i found out when i had HECKA cerdits i didnt really need to try.. heh.  i already know what i should do.. which is to go to a JC and transfer to UCLA =T far.. but its something i might be interested in =P

work is meh.. the new girls GAH @_____@T__T i wanna dafjdflkdfk hahaha... seriously their HECKA MEAN >:[

BLAHHHH........... lately its been.. quiet =X.. i need to have fun >__< lol i feel too old.. and busy D: i wanna be a kid again heh. xD

all i want for christmas.. is happiness..